The Downtown Eastern Bloc

Mar 31, 2018

Written by: Beatrice Biltmore

This article was written in March 2018 for the 2018 B'Onion Edition Newsletter.

Finally, a new apartment development is proposed in downtown Minneapolis. This project, which city documents reveal will be named "The Downtown Eastern Bloc," will go by the nickname "The Bloc." It will be located between West River Parkway and the Mississippi River in the Downtown East neighborhood. 

The project is made possible by new zoning laws and the city's initiative to reduce park land and public spaces. The 2,000 unit super development will stand 50 stories tall and should mostly, if not entirely, block the river views of surrounding office, condo, and apartment buildings. Neighborhood groups support the project and have stated "What a great project! The river is noisy and smells funny. Who would want to look at that?" Similarly, historic preservation groups loosely support the project and have stated, "Whatever, we're pretty flexible." 

Apartment Meme.pngRents will be calculated on a very easy-to-understand price per square foot regardless of number of bedrooms. Rents are expected to be between $44.73 and $44.84 per square foot. For example, if the rate is $45.97 for a 978 square foot unit, you would multiply $45.97 by 978 to get $44,958.66 annually and then divide by 12 months to get $3,746.56 per month, easy! The project should appeal to millennials who aren't interested in saving and older adults looking to downsize and think Florida is just so-so. These luxury units will be constructed in mid-century eastern European vogue. 

Bird enthusiasts appreciate the lack of windows and bulky construction and have said "the birds will see this thing from a mile away!" The unnamed developer said these units should fill the niche of luxury rental rates without the ego of a fancy facade and unnecessary amenities. 

Basic amenities such as trash removal and a mail room will be available for an additional monthly fee if renters so choose. The developer said "it's a model similar to some airlines, you pay for what you use, and people love that!" There will be no parking provided onsite in anticipation of self-driving cars. BOMA board member and Lance Armstrong-like bike commuter, Pat Seng, said "At last! Driving your own car is so 2000 and late." 

This project is expected to begin in 2018 and will be completed by 2020. 
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