Minneapolis to Host Super Bowl in 2019 and Beyond

Mar 31, 2018

Written by: Matt Dow, Ryan Companies US, Inc.

This article was written in March 2018 for the 2018 B'Onion Edition Newsletter. Some names have been changed. 

On Sunday, NFL Commissioner Joe King made a stunning announcement that will change the fabric of football and the stature of Minneapolis for a generation. With nearly the entire cast of Super Bowl volunteers, performers, and officials present, King declared Minneapolis to be permanent host of the Super Bowl. 

"For 52 years, the Super Bowl has showcased the NFL's warm-weather and crown-jewels stadiums," King said."While we've had many great Super Bowls across this great nation, what happened in Minneapolis this February simply surpassed them all. After a flood of rave reviews from nearly every significant stakeholder, I have decided that the Super Bowl will be held in Minneapolis each and every year for the foreseeable future." 

Most of the attendees in the U.S. Bank Stadium stood in stunned silence, apparently overcome with joy at this tremendous and stunning development in Minnesota sports history. 

Super Bowl Host Committee CEO Val Veeta explained further: "It was such a unique environment that was so true to spirit of football. I can't tell you how many people came up to me, teeth chattering, and said 'the cold is SO INVIGORATING! I LOVE the frozen tundra!' Everyone was already planning winter trips to Buffalo or Winnipeg or Helsinki, but now they don't have to! And the snowstorms! Not only were they gorgeous, they also encouraged everyone to slow down, walk gingerly, and smell the roses. I mean, not roses, more like spruce trees, but you get the idea!" 

Ken Knott, Host Committee VP of Operations, also raved, "It was really convenient to have all our major events in such a compact downtown area. We never had to agonize over where to put something, because usually there was only one place that would work." 

Singer P!ink described the excitement of the concert crowds as "Unbelievable. The energy was so special, you could tell everyone was just ecstatic to be inside." Atlanta rapper 2 Chainz was also one of the converted. "Man, you guys make CRAZY sculptures out of ice and butter -- that's just bananas!" 

Those there for the football also agreed. Eagles fan Vic Ferrari and Patriots fan Tommy Callahan are still in Minneapolis -- they were arrested and jailed after attempting to carjack a Humvee during the post game revelry. They didn't seem to harbor any ill will toward the city. "I've had to share a cell with this idiot for seven weeks, and we agree on one thing and one thing only; Minneapolis is amazing," Ferrari said. "I think I wanna stay here after I get outta the clink, but if this jerk does too, I donno," Callahan responded. 

After setting such a glittering standard in 2018, the Twin Cities community must already be hard at work on the 2019 event, as the following officials were unavailable for comment: Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey, Minneapolis City Council President Lisa Bender, Hennepin County Sheriff Rich Stanek, Hennepin County Commissioners Linda Higgins, Marion Greene, and Peter McLaughlin, Minneapolis Police Chief Medaria Arradondo, U.S. Bank Stadium Director of Operations Curtis Schmillen, Metro Transit GM Brian Lamb, Downtown Council President Steve Cramer, IDS Center GM Deb Kolar, Meet Minneapolis CEO Melvin Tennant, and Commissioner of the Minneapolis Department of Public Safety Mona Dohman.


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